I was driving home this morning after dropping Allie off at preschool and a trip to the grocery store, when I started thinking about what I would post today. What do I possibly have to offer anybody today? I thought. I'm completely and utterly exhausted, I have no new pictures of knitting to show. No words or great insight to share. I don't really have anything to say about anything. (There you heard it, the ugly voice of negativity that takes over especially when my defenses are down, and I'm not paying attention.)
"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel was on the radio and I thought, well, at least I'm thankful for music. And I'm thankful for friendships, old and new, for the mere ability to knit, for my kids, my husband who cares about me even when things are a little off track, business that has, well, been keeping me busy, for shelter, food, blue sky and new growth.
And there you have it--one attitude--changed. All with a little sunshine, some good music and most of all, gratitude.
I fall into that same trap that so many of us do, and expect myself to be super human. That somehow magically at the 3 week mark of this bout with mono I would suddenly be able to pop out of bed and resume all normal activity. How wrong I was. On Monday I thought it would be completely fine to go (with Allie) to the post office, grocery store, out to lunch and shopping with an out-of-town friend, ride around with her all afternoon, walk through a house Kevin's building and then top it off with a preschool fundraiser with Kevin and the kids to Chuckie Cheese of all places. Afterward I literally thought I was going to leave behind a trail of body parts on my way out to the car. Such complete exhaustion is indescribable.
And, ignorantly since then I've done a bunch of laundry, cooking, and caring for children. I've been to the post office 3 more times, bible study, grocery store again, made multiple trips back and forth to school and the real kicker was trying to stand up for handbell practice at church last night. After 15 minutes I was propping myself up with the table and the wall. Finally I sat down. The worst part is how irritable the fatigue makes me. It's like this little squawking bird pops out of my mouth like a cuckoo clock and says things like, "Get out of the kitchen!", "get your shoes off the couch!", "do your homework!". ugh.
So instead, today has been about gratitude. That errands don't fill my day with anything but errands, and constant activity only means that I'm unsettled. I'm finding other hidden perks to this whole situation as well. Like it's easy to save money when you don't spend it, and somehow my wardrobe is just fine when I can't go shopping.