Thursday, August 18, 2011

Here's the part where I'm honest

I unclog the shower drain.  I clean the lint trap in the dryer every time I do a load.  I make sure the water filtration system is maintained every six months.  I recharge rechargeable batteries and refill soap bottles.  We don't run out.  There is always a supply of toilet paper and paper towels and clean underwear and socks.  The dishes don't pile up.  Most things are nauseatingly well-maintained except this summer for the gardens.  The veggies, the flowers and me, we've all gone dormant.

I go through waves of being hopelessly inadequate at giving myself permission for personal expression.  This might come as a surprise, for you see this whole self-taught-knitting-turned-blogger-dabbler-in-photography is quite the departure from my life long stifled self who was taught early on about shame, unimportance and punishment, the steep price to pay for straying.  I learned to hide and think I did it rather well.  But the achiever kept busy, in an understated sort of way, on the outskirts deflecting attention and the guilt lingered. 

The time has come to unclog my drains, to clear my filters and change the medium, to recharge the batteries and let go of perfection, shame, guilt, fear.  I'm breathing deep this week.  Lungs full of ocean air and sun so warm I can feel it's golden hue from inside out.

My frustration frustrates me and needs to go.  I hold myself back and listen to the voices that kept me clinging lifelessly to the lost.  What a beautiful change, and terrifying to finally let go.


Suzanne said...

You know you have dear friends who love you, support you, are proud of you, and DO NOT JUDGE YOU but have great respect, admiration, and a hug waiting for you. Your heart knows all of the best decisions - just listen, the answer is there.

Anonymous said...

so beautiful amy...and beautifully written. i am always amazed how you find your way. it's always genuine, intentional and deep. it gives me so much hope. thank you for that.