Speaking of flowers

I took the girls to the hospital with me tonight to listen to a presentation while the boys went to baseball practice. It was better this way, really, I'd be able to get them home at a decent time and showered and ready for bed before they turned into pumpkins or over-tired, fighting, spaghetti noodles. The only obstacle would be keeping them occupied, distracted and above all else quiet for over an hour. Sounds simple until you have children and then you instantly know all the pitfalls and many unimaginable ones that can occur in such a scenario.

It was officially medical, complete with a power point presentation, a doctor speaking, tons of medical terminology, medical professionals in attendance, the whole nine yards, all of us learning or re-learning about the pitfalls of bone growing in unexpected and unwanted places in the body after certain traumas and what to do about it. Yeah, I really deal with this stuff.

And just when you think that what you do is important (because it is), reality hits. I looked over and my youngest was about to whack my middle child in the head with the yo-yo she'd brought. A few minutes later I had to get her to turn down the Jackson Five's "ABC" on her ipod and stop her from wriggling to the beat. Then there was a big debate over dessert, who would get it and when and what it would be. Shoes, sweaters, bags, books, papers and bodies were strewn about on the floor and just then my youngest handed me a piece of paper.

She had drawn a flower. Very basic. There was writing at the top, complete with a few backwards "A's" and a number or two. It said:

1. I like the flower.
2. I am the flower.
3. The flower ran away.
4. The End.

There it is in a nutshell. The complex and precarious situation of what it means to be a mother with her brain in so many places all at once. Wanting to be in all of them, not wanting to neglect any of them, but having to stop and chuckle about the basic reality and simple truth that is offered to us by our children. If I were her, I'd have wanted to turn into a flower and run away too. I'm sure of it.

Ears, paths and a sore tailbone

I spent all weekend long sitting in a chair in a dark, freezing cold hotel conference room listening to a speaker talk about balance, dizziness, the inner ear and every kind of malady imaginable that can impact a person's balance. Very helpful content, a highly competent and even entertaining speaker, and something I have to know about and deal with every time I work at the hospital. It still didn't take away the fact that the whole weekend was blown, it cost me $400 and my tailbone is killing me. But hopefully I'm better prepared to help people. Time will tell.

This hiatus from working full time to stay home and raise three kids has been every single bit worth it and a choice I would make again and again if I had to. I like being able to keep my hand in what I was trained to do and the time off has uncovered other hidden gems like the sudden urge to knit when I was pregnant the second time and how I taught myself. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be knitting and selling what I design and make.

But the combination of both plus the introduction of other interests such as writing, yoga and just wellness in general does nothing but confuse me. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a grocery store and don't know which aisle to go down. Like I didn't bring my list and so have no idea what I even need to bring home.

This is the crossroads I somehow knew I'd come to when my kids all were in school full-time. I've been wondering all this while what my life would look like at that point and how I'd end up filling my days. So this last year of preschool is decision-making time, or at least that's what I seem to be pressuring myself with lately. And maybe that's just the thing that's making me feel all squirmy inside. Maybe it's the pressure alone that I put on myself to have it all worked out. To know ahead of time what every little thing will look like and where the college tuition will come from and how we'll have another bedroom and bathroom when the kids are teenagers and when we'll get chickens and so on and so on.

Maybe, just maybe, if I take each day as it comes, all these things will sort themselves out. Huh. A novel thought. I think I just had a breakthrough.

Balance

Even though I never talk about it, except in the sidebar to the left, I really am a physical therapist. It's just that since having kids I only work once a month at a rehab hospital where I've been for 13 years. I keep my license and I get to stay home with the kids and play with yarn. My licensure needs renewing by December and so I went to a continuing education course today. Luckily, the instructor was good and the topic was interesting.


It was a yoga course. I've been interested in yoga for some time but have only just scratched the surface in learning the practice. I dabble a little here and there, go through phases where I do it at home and then phase right back out. When I pick back up it becomes so apparent where my tension is and just how much tension I have. My right side feels different than my left, I'm tight here, oooh, pain there, and it's only then that I realize just how out of shape (or in shape) I am.


Today I thought more in terms of balance and how OUT of balance I am. For starters, there's mono...out of balance. Wrestling my daughter to give her eye drops and then seeing daddy do it with no fuss or fighting...out of balance. Throwing some almonds and a banana down my throat on the way out the door to handbells...out of balance. Clutter...out of balance. Being focused on obtaining happiness from external sources rather than from finding the joy within...out of balance. Hurrying...out of balance. I could go on.


One of the best parts about today was seeing yoga as an open door. At the very minimum I can incorporate it more into my daily life even if that just means focusing more on my breathing. Or, it could grow into something more. I now see the future as wide open, where I really can pursue what interests me and I don't have to stay in the box where I ended up after so many years of school. It's one of the best perks of being an at home mom that I never would have imagined. If you'd told me 10 years ago I'd have a little knitting business I probably would have laughed. Who knows what I'll be doing in 20 years and to me, that is exciting. I guess you could say it was a very good day.

Yippee!

Yesterday's run confirmed it...what I thought was the beginning of a yucky ankle problem is NOT! I went 4 miles before I really started to feel the twinge and so I stopped. I can't quite believe I had that much restraint, but I'm trying not to screw things up. I did my usual ice afterward and later last night which really helps. Now mind you it was a cautious sort of trot but I'm thrilled not to be sidelined. My brain needs the extra oxygen running affords, without it (like today) my thoughts seem to puddle and I wander around wondering what to do next.

I did get the sideways look from my father-in-law and the comment "you sure have been running a long time" to which I responded "I feel GREAT!" and gave my best two-fisted "Rocky-esque" punch into the air. I guess he knew about my bum leg--gotta be careful what I write! Unfortunately for him I later went into a 10-minute long PT spiel about the numerous and far reaching effects of exercise. I was getting too preachy for my liking (or maybe the car ride ended) but I don't think he bought my argument, at least not for himself!

I had to give Sundance a break today. After finishing the sleeves I noticed a few problems:

1. despite all balls being the same dye lot, one of the sleeves is discolored. white! what was I thinking?

2. somehow the same number of decreases on the sleeves and the back have turned out to be different lengths. Kevin said, "they look like they're different angles". yes, honey they sure do!

3. and now I want to start another one in a different color (I'm even looking online for more yarn) before I finish the first one.


Don't worry! (as if you would) I will do a little dismantling, add some more decreases and lenth to the sleeves and be on my merry way. The knitting brain just needed a good de-fogging, which I'm not so sure it got, but will be back in action tomorrow. The best excuse not to knit also came--the Feb. issue of Country Living Magazine!

By the way, has anyone noticed how screwy the spacing gets on my posts that have pictures? I've tried to fix it numerous times and it seems to just have a mind of its own. If anyone has the solution, pass it my way!