An answer for Claire

Some days are better than others. This was one of those better days. My husband's parting words to me this morning went something like this:

Don't do any work today. Well, try to do as little as possible. Please.

Upon sharing this with friends, one happened to inquire how such generosity comes about (look her up guys, I'm friends with a celebrity :))

Really, how do we stop butting heads with each other and learn to give freely and without expecting something in return? It got me to thinking and I'm prepared to muster up some semblance of an answer. Here goes.

1. First, it helps to be a bit neurotic and work yourself to the bone on a daily basis. Let's face it, if all I did was rest, I hardly think he'd tell me I needed more.

2. Remember marriage isn't a competition. We do different. One doesn't necessarily do more, the other less, just.....different.

3. Don't complain. No one wants to hear it.

4. Own your stress. You created it, don't blame it on each other. You can share the stress, but don't put anyone at fault, because no one is. Life is just that way sometimes.

5. Pick a good mate. A really, really good one. I like mine with a stong and gritty exterior, an intense love of the outdoors, sensitivity when you least expect it and depth of character when it matters most.

6. Reciprocate. I encourage him to go fishing.

7. Don't resent each other. Just don't do it. Resentment will kill a marriage as quickly as adultery.

8. Realize that it doesn't happen overnight. This comes from negotiating, working at it, being calm, discussing, listening, being persistent and working it out. But above all else, remember that the boundaries we create are best broken down when we are brave enough to be vulnerable with one another.

I hope that settles it Claire, and I hope the same for you.